Maxwell's Big Chance

CHAPTER ONE:

It all started, naturally, with Maxwell C Wolf. He’d been the first to erode my life of single irresponsibility, the first to dictate that I work for him rather than simply for me, and somehow what started off as a simple bowl of chum had escalated to a Volvo with the contents of a lunchbox everywhere. Man’s best friend. Anyway, a friend came round for a chat . He’s working on a kids TV programme and it features a dog but the dog - Bentley - is a bit of a Joan Crawford, a bit of a prima donna. Won’t come out of his trailer if its too cold. The winalot’s the wrong shape... Method dog nonsense. So the friend told the story and looked at Maxwell and told the story and looked at Maxwell and... “So”, he says, “Can Maxwell act?”
What’s he got to do? He’s got to sit? Chase a ball? Bentley charges £250 a day. Can Maxwell act? Believe me, Maxwell can act. That was a month ago. Now Maxwell C Wolf is halfway through a course of ignatia, a homeopathic remedy designed to counter sadness and loss. He’s happy enough, but there’s something about his behaviour that seems, I don’t know, sad. Maybe it’s projection, but his ears are down, you know.. What happened? The day before shooting was to start Ð and Maxwell’s been up all night, sitting Ð we got a call from the production manager saying that Maxwell couldn’t do the job. Why not?
“He wasn’t in the union”, she said.
What do you mean?
“Sorry, he’s got to be in the union”.
Was Wapping for nothing? It was nonsense. The only concrete grief is insurance. Say the dog plays up and the shoot is held up? Who pays? Realistically, this isn’t a problem. Maxwell has a basic pet insurance and is insured for £100,000. He’s got to be. It’s a third party, fire and theft deal. Basically the union story was a nonsense. Maxwell was stitched up. Nepotism is rife in the media, everyone knows that. A dog-owner eat dog-owner business. Sorry, he’s got to be in the union, said the production manager with a can of chum in her pocket.
Still, let’s not worry about kids programmes. There are toilet rolls out there to sell. Talking to Ann Head was instructive as far as Maxwell’s future was concerned. If a dog has a good temperament, that’s the first and most important thing. If you’re talking to him and he thinks you’re playing, he might want to come to you. If you tell him off, he’ll sit and stay but with his ears down as if he’s done something wrong. A dog who is going to be used in a central role must learn to do at least the three basics before any agent will look at him. A rock solid stay, a fetch and carry and, preferably, a speak on command. If he can’t do those, then his owner is unlikely to be good at training. People say to me aren’t you lucky to find a pretty white cat who’ll put his paw in a can of food, or how did you find a dog who would play the piano?. You have to look at the common denominator. A dog who will speak on command? Or play the piano? We looked at our non-musical mute hound and we looked at sweet lovely Elly and we heard Ann’s words ringing in our ears. It’s the same as with baby modelling. If you’re in it for the money, forget it. That’s the wrong attitude. Now, no disrespect to Maxwell, but this time, we thought we’d do our research. We started with a call to the Norrie Carr Model Agency, a member of the Association of Model Agents, no less. In a cute reversal of roles, we realised that the odds were that we’d end up doing the paying. Even though there’s no signing on fee, to get signed up your child have an assessment £25 signing on fee. £85 for half a page in the models book. Jackie at the Sylvia Young Agency. If a parent thinks of their baby as a commodity, they’re not going to do well in this business. Most people come to us because they’ve got babies and they want something to do. We tend to reject a baby if the parent has the wrong attitude. Obviously more research was needed. We checked around and found the inevitable friend of a friend. A make up artist, Susie made it sound perfect. Well, humane. I used it as a playgroup for my two when they were very small. It's good for little ones to be with other babies. The mums often find it a good opportunity to meet other mums and to talk about their new roles. But I'm going to give up when my girls are old enough to be bothered about whether or not they get the ad. They're two and four now and fine about it. They just see it as a game. They don't often get picked for the ad anyway and I don't think that they see any difference between a shoot and a casting. Both give them their 15 seconds in front of the camera. I have no problem with it. We should have known. But it all seemed so easy. A couple of months ago, a friend came round for a chat. She’s working on an advert and it’s for nappies and they need a new-born baby. They had one but there was SMA powdered milk instead of Cow & Gate in the changing room... So she says, can Elly act? She’s got to lay on her stomach? Elly can act. Believe me. Elly had to lie face down on a sheepskin and, wearing nothing but a skimpy T-shirt, do nothing. Look, the kid’s a prodigy Ð she was sucking her thumb on day one. This was nothing, and at four months she’d have the maturity and the perspective that a new-born just wouldn’t have. So we got to the casting session and there was this room full of Mrs Worthingtons with their tap-dancing, trumpet playing babies and we smiled the smile of the confident. I’d like to thank everyone... Elly, need it be said, was perfect. OK, so she wee’d just as the photographer snapped. It’s natural. No. The reason Elly was rejected was because her bottom was too... It wasn’t fleshy enough. From Twiggy to Jodie Kidd and now they decide that fat is a good thing for a model to be? So what’s the story? We look for very placid babies who are not necessarily the perfect baby to look at. It’s more important that they have the right temperament than the perfect face. They need to look healthy and have a good disposition. We might want to feed the baby when it’s not his feeding time, so the baby has to be flexible enough to do that. We need the baby to be able to go to other people - not just his mum. So the perfect eyes and face shape often has very little to do with it. And what about speaking on command? Or playing the piano? Sorry?. Still. On reflection, it’s good she didn’t get the job. We didn’t want Elly to turn into some Joan Crawford prima donna, some Bentley. And have her bottom staring down from a billboard poster? Modelling’s a nonsense. All that time spent waiting around when she could’ve been praticing her double-handed backhand down the line. There are more parents than babies who get depressed about the failure rate, said Jackie. It’s a natural instinct to be proud of your child and of course you want everybody else to think that your child is gorgeous. If you want a bit of fun, try modelling, but if you’re going to get depressed about it, find something else to do with your baby. If you’ve ever doubted the existance of a righteous God, then ponder this. It’s 10.44pm and Maxwell’s upstairs sleeping and Elly’s watching MTV with her mum. Meanwhile I’ve done my days work and I’m sitting here writing an article about how to get the children to work for you. u all Even though there’s no signing-Elly had to .. Then there was . £85 for half a page. Then there are the professional photographers to pay for Ð You haven’t got a portfolio? And for what? A rate of £30 an hour if successfully selected? was no more encouragingGet away from the agencies, go for the human touch. spect to Maxwell, but this timeand iTThat’s (£112.50 a day) genuine Jackie