October

INSIGHT OCTOBER


This is what I do. I sit down, switch the computer on. Create a new file. Save it as “Chapter One”. Always save it first. What if the Mac crashes and I lose everything? That is the nightmare scenario. No. Save it first and then you know you’re OK. Start putzing around


It’s all there but today it’s maybe a bit slower than normal. Yeah, slower.



But sometimes the smallest things drive you mad. Like the other day when I was driving around looking for somewhere to park. (I wasn’t actually going anywhere. I was just looking for somewhere to park – it’s a hobby) and I passed a garage which had the words “No Parking” written on one of the doors. What’s the point of that then? A garage where you can’t park. Some signs seemed designed to make to look twice. Like those temporary walls in front of building sites that say “Anti-climbing paint”. Is it just me or does it make you want to climb it? It looks dry. Anti-climb paint you’d think was greasy or something. But this looks dry. Maybe when you start to climb it this Charlton Heston voice comes out of nowhere… “No”.



Got hammered. Big time problem. We had people down for the weekend and normally you've got maybe four or five bottles of wine hanging around. We've got a shed full of overs from the barn do and so... You don't stop. And then some blithering idiot mentions a word like "cognac" and... That was Saturday night.


Later on Saturday night, the hamsters escaped. Oy. There are two pussycats sitting there who I'm starting to think we should have called Salt and Pepper. Up until this point they'd been pets, you know, cushions with legs. They’re very sweet, but – practically speaking - their main purpose is to let me practice my Mrs Slocombe gags.



Now they're looking predatory, like they're waiting for a David Attenborough voiceover. Meanwhile, the inside of my head has volunteered to be a basketball court... "